ISpyShanghai

You wouldn’t think it to look at him, but my good buddy Peter (aka WoAiZhongGuo) is 40 years young today.

To celebrate, he’s hired out the biggest bouncy castle Shanghai and is going to fill it with laser guns, water bombs and cute puppies that we can play with. At least that’s what I assume happens at Attica.

Thanks to China Chas

Happy Birthday Peter!

Here’s a fun sign:

Now let’s have a quiz

Obviously you have to vote before you look at the “Read More…” bit below otherwise you’re a cheat and a scoundrel.

I won’t know if you’ve cheated, but you will and how will you feel then?

click to read on… »

Last night I was down on Wu Jiang lu food street. It’s just to the side of Nanjing road but you’d miss it unless you knew that the place was packed with street stalls selling fried dumplings, seafood rinsed in chopped garlic, kebab pouches that leave grease and drool all over your chin, little Octopus balls covered in seafood dust (better than they sound) loads of good stuff.

I was a nervous wreck and couldn’t enjoy my tucker though because the pressure was mounting for shoe tuesday and I hadn’t found a thing. Eyes fixed on the ground, scanning for quality footwear, I was out there until 2:45am on the grind before I finally found a couple of interesting specimens.

1. A a lady in some spiffy snakeskin high heels.
2. A dashing young chap wearing some kind of bizarre brogue / boat shoe hybrid.

Exhausted, I went home to my bed, with visions of slingbacks dancing in my head.

If you cast your mind back to Christmastime, you’ll remember that my brother got himself all married up to a lovely lady called Sharon.

Well， guess what?！

She is with child!

What we know about the baby so far is that it’s due at the end of September, seems healthy, and is going to be a big England fan. Other than that, all is shrouded in mystery.

Since they want to keep the gender a surprise (although let’s be honest, there are only two options so how surprising can it really be?) and people on the internet know everything, I’ve pixellated out the vital areas to stop any unauthorised guesswork.

My sister has three children so I’ve already had lots of practice at being an uncle- but this time is going to be different- this time I’m determined not to drop the baby, they make a terrible fuss if you do.

I think every classy gent needs a good collection of booze in their house- even Muslim clerics should have a cupboard somewhere with a few cool looking bottles that they can crack open on Christmas Eve.

For a while back there I tried to get into Whisky because I thought a few single malt bottles would look cool which it would, it’s just a shame that the stuff inside them tastes like sour Listerine. Then I got a load of that Johnnie Walker nonsense- Gold, Green, Blue- but it all tastes like old library books mixed with petrol to me.

I still drink Bourbon- Jack Daniels and such which is probably like preferring a McRib burger to a Berkshire chop, but generally speaking Whisky is not for me.

Vodka is appealing, cool bottles with grey geese or onion domes on them, but at the end of the day, the best vodka in the world is supposed to taste of nothing. Also it makes you wet the bed.

Now though I’ve found my true calling: Rum.

The bottles have cool drawings of island type people rolling barrels of hooch next to palm trees, it comes from places I thought were fictional (Guadelope! Marie-Galante!), it’s the favourite drink of both Ernest Hemingway and Pirates- well I think I’ve made my point.

I’m going to this thing tonight to drink deep of my new elixir, think I might even turn up wearing a linen suit and panama hat too. You can’t do that whilst drinking whisky.

I feel rotten today, proper sick. There’s a big mirror in the living room which I think is pointing the wrong way and messing up the Feng Shui of my apartment.
My best guess is that the placing of the mirror is creating a negative energy flow around the bedroom and disturbing my Qi as I sleep.

It’s either that or a hangover.

Does this giant pink velour dog make my thighs look fat?

It’s OK you can be honest, I need to know the truth (damn those Spicy Whoppers).

<cue Shoe Tuesday music>

In the last few weeks, the chill is gone from the city- the air is sweet with Honeysuckle, birds are singing on the telephone wires, Butterflies flutter by, summer is here!

No more must ladies cover up their feet with stout hessian and suede boots, let those toes run free!

Here’s a young lady (who I think was from the US or something, so if she reads this, umm hi! Can I use your photo?) enjoying the heat by letting her ink get a bit of air.

乐 (le4) = Happiness.

Write that down- I’m educating whilst I entertain.