ISpyShanghai

<cue Shoe Tuesday music>

The Good

I challenge anyone to find shoes cooler than the ones on the bottom of this picture.

At the cobblers where I had my suitcase fixed I reckon they could make me a decent copy, but would I have the cojones to wear them around town?

If you tried walking into The White Bear (a pub) in Doncaster town centre with these on, you’d get your head bust in and the men in white coats would come to take away your bloodied remains.

The Bad

There’s a cool old soul song called “High Heel Sneakers“-

Put on yo’ high heel sneaker!/
an’ put yo’ wig hat on yo’ heaaad!

The guy who wrote it died from inhaling fumes whilst he varnished his floor.

Anyway, the point is, these shoes are vile.

The Curly

I went to Constantinople last year and didn’t see a single person wearing one of these.

Called the British Embassy to complain, but they didn’t want to know.

Typical.

I have a friend, let’s call him Dr M- who falls asleep a lot in bars.

You can pretty much guarantee that after 3 or 4 halves of weak lager his head will start nodding and the scintillating conversation from the other drinkers will soon be drowned out by the sound of snoring. We put up with it because he is very generous with his money when asleep, and everybody knows the PIN number for his credit card.

It’s probably bad for you to wake up with your face in a bowl of peanuts however, so I bought him a little device to stop the rot. It’s a green plastic thing that looks like a Bluetooth headset- and goes around the ear in the same way. When your head tilts down to a certain angle, the gadget notices and sets off a loud beeping right next to your ear.

As ably demonstrated here by top internet-type WoAiZhongGuo!

(also here on youtube if that doesn’t work)

On the packaging it says it’s for drivers, (very handy for drowsy late-night taxi drivers in Shanghai) and, worryingly, airline pilots.

So if you hear this on your next flight:

Hello ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking.
Today we’ll be cruising at 35,000 feet and passing over Mongolia, RussiaZZZZZZzz
*BEEP BEEEP BEEEP*
Christ- I nearly knocked my beer over then! Ermm, yes flying over Russia, Poland…”

You’ll know why.

Funny weather in Pudong today- swirling clouds, strong winds, something’s up I tell you that much. Yesterday there was a massive thunderstorm just by the airport with rain coming down so fast that when I went out at the end of the day, the security guards had sandbags ready in case of flooding.

My workmate Ryan reckons it’s because China launched a rocket into space yesterday

“Now China is number 3 in the world!”

There are three people in the rocket and at some point today, one of them is going to go on a spacewalk. I’m not sure which one is supposed to leave the capsule first, but having been on the Shanghai subway at rush hour I’ll guess it’s a 45 year old woman with very pokey elbows.

Next week is Golden Week- the time when everyone in China has a week off work (except subway employees and astronauts) so I’m going to England to visit that baby that’s keeping my brother up at night.

Am still trying to decide what present to take for little Eve. Probably not milk powder.

BREAKING NEWS…..BREAKING NEWS…..BREAKING NEWS…..BREAKING NEWS…..BREAKING NEWS…..BREAKING NEWS…..BREAKING NEWS…..BREAKING NEWS…..

Latest number of people Lovin’ It at McDonalds: 1132

More on this story when I get it.

<cue Shoe Tuesday music>

Subway Line 2, People's Square

I never lost as much but twice,
And that was in the sod.
Twice have I stood a beggar
Before the door of God!

(Extract from “Oh For F-s Sake, I Only Bought These Last Week” by Emily Dickinson)

On Jiaozhou Lu last night I bought one of these.

Bubble Tea

Bubble Tea is like a normal cup of tea, except chewy.

The bubbles (or “pearls”, depending on who you ask) are made out of some kind of Tapioca / Semolina / other thing that children hate and are small enough to get fired up the straw when you suck. On average, 14,085 people a year die from choking on bubble tea, so it’s still a lot safer than taking a taxi.

The best bit is trying to stab the straw through the plastic lid on the top- you can pretend you’re a doctor doing an emergency tracheotomy with a ballpoint pen.

One of the many side effects of Melamine poisoning

Oh this is outrageous.

It was one thing when powdered baby milk was being poisoned (greedy babies, what’s wrong with breast milk anyway?) but now it turns out that the kind of fresh delicious milk I pour on my Shreddies in the morning is tainted.

I bought a whole litre of milk yesterday, 9RMB- am I just supposed to pour it down the sink?

Maybe it’ll be OK for cups of tea and Emma’s bedtime cocoa.