<cue Shoe Tuesday music>

Hello and welcome to Shoe Tuesday, I’m your host Swiss James and today we’ll be taking calls from people whose lives have been affected by footwear.

Our first caller is Lindsey, she comes from Shanghai-on-Sea. Hello Lindsey can you hear me?

Loud and clear James, and may I say you’re even more handsome on the fake phone.

You are too kind. Now I understand you recently had a run-in with a pair of bizarre brown leather strappy sandles is that correct?

That’s right James.
I was just in People’s Square near the Samsung Building when I was almost run over dead by a chariot.

A chariot Lindsey?

Oh I was as surprised as you were James, but there it was, just between the Squid jerky shop and an old man clipping his toenails with a pair of kitchen scissors.

I know the place, it’s hard to tell where the smell is coming from around there.
So what did you see stepping off the chariot?

I saw a perfectly preserved pair of brown suede strappy sandals with high-cube heels and a zip up the back.

How horrible- I imagine you wished you were crushed to teeth under the unfeeling wheels of that ghostly horse-drawn vehicle. Thanks for calling Lindsey.

It was a sight I shall never forget. Tatty bye!

Next up is Corky from Tianjin, Australia. Are you throwing another shrimp on the barbie down there Corky?

James that is a tired and obvious stereotype that- hang on let me turn this didgeridoo album down so I can hear you properly.

OK Corky- so what have you got for us?

Well here in the bush of Tianjin I saw an adult sized baby Sheila walking the streets with her Mum.

An adult sized baby girl Corky?

That’s right sport

And what did this monster have on its feet?

The best way I can describe it is some kind of pink kitten heel with a bow on one side, and a little cuddly toy on the other!! You beauty!!

Calm down Corky!

Sorry mate- no worries.
I couldn’t believe my eyes at first so I went back for a second poke at the beast- cor, what a ripper!

She certainly is a prize catch, congratulations Corky and thanks for calling it in

G’day err I mean G’bye!