Published by Swiss James on 07 Apr 2008 at 12:48 pm
Lambert and Miss Julie
Baby Terrapins go for 5RMB a piece down at the insect market on Xizang Lu / Fuxing Lu. I know because Emma bought two of the little wrigglers yesterday and they’re now living in a glass bowl on my dining table.
Before we went to the market I had no idea Emma cared for the little things, in fact a few weeks ago we saw them having their shells cut off with scissors at a food market in HongKou and she didn’t flinch, but you know it’s her pocket money and she’s promised to feed them so I said she could go ahead.
Cunningly she bought two; a turtle and a turtlette (Lambert and Miss Julie) they’re just babies right now, but at some point when they grow into teenage turtles, and do what teenage turtles do naturally… well basically we’re hoping that there’s a big upswing on the price of turtle eggs and we can retire on the profits of selling their unborn children.
[BTW Does anyone know where to buy some turtle porn? I can't wait forever until this damn egg money starts rolling in]
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So which day does your ayi pop in James? On the dining room table eh, tsk tsk… I hope she doesn’t think they’re leftovers from last nights dinner!
Assuming that she doesn’t eat them or prepare them for cooking for you I believe terrapins live for 20-30 years, I take it you’re here for the long stretch then?
Ah well, you can always flush them down the toilet if push comes to shove.
Make sure you feed them lots. They will hibernate when winter hits, and if they are too young at that time they won’t survive. Speaking from experience.
You don’t need porn just put on some Sade, that usually gets them in the mood!
i don’t know about turtles, but a good friend of mine has a tortoise (whose much older than lambert and miss julie) and when he and his husband leave town for a night or two they put him in a box and in the fridge! (simulates hibernating)
emma: I LOVE those names! =) they just make me want to smile. =)
james: are you keeping them in an ashtray?!
woai: is that what you do to set the mood? . . .
Never mind turtles, we’ve had Konnie Huq in tears over here because of your lot and what they’ve done to Tibet (whatever that is), I hope you’re all proud of yourselves you dog eating bastards!
Angie – You’re speaking to the wrong man. I don’t really spend too much time seducing turtles! But I find a bottle of vodka sets the mood far better than some has been singer with about six albums and only one style!
woah, woah, WOAH- Sade is not a ‘has been’ singer, their last album was a critical and commercial hit which still sounds fresh in 2008. i LOVE you SADE!!
angie- it’s a proper fish bowl, but it’s in the style of an ash tray I admit. The turtles seem to enjoy it anyway.
dingle- we’re going to pop them in the microwave for a bit and eat them as snacks on the way to airport- problem solved.
micah- I’ve got you, but they don’t seem that interested in the food as yet- must be all the excitement.
neil- it’s not the Chinee, they know this whole ‘free Tibet’ nonsense makes as sense as an independent Cornwall. It’s all these white hippies like the Beastie Boys and Richard bloody Ghia causing trouble. As per usual.
[God blesss you Konnie\
woai: i will NOT have you talk about norah jones that way!
A part of me is hoping that they form an incestuous union and spawn mutant ninga turtles.
James – As Angie has pointed out, I was talking about Norah effin Jones. Sade is / are lovely, I even saw them at Wembley about 15 years ago!
when did anyone mention Norah Jones? I think you’ve just realised that you’re wrong and are trying to back out gracefully.
b- do you know where we can get some radioactive oooze?
Oh My God James! It’s not a glass bowl! It’s a vodka tonic!
lets see, they would live an average of 3 days, at 5RMB per each that’s (concentrates really hard) 1.2RMB a day for the pair. Now this does not include the water, container, drafting a will with the lawyer, explaining to the authorities what happened and the income tax on the profit once sold to a restaurant in guangzhou.
OK Loosa I’ll cut you a deal, you keep quiet about the tax on the profit, and I’ll let you race Lambert and Miss Julie once a week.
YRU- what do you think I’m raising here, some kind of tee-totalers?
I said EXACTLY the same thing about the Beastie Boys & Richard Gere to my missus the other day when we were hurling abuse at those stupid hippies on the TV!
I’ve had almost 10 baby terrepins bfr.
But, the resulte was, they all died, due to the bad tap water.
Don’t you worry Flora, Mr and Mrs Swiss are importing volcanic artesian spring water to decant into the Tiffany Crystal Bowl they bought for their little treasures.
nah we’re using tap water, they’re probably dead by now.
Please refer to my proven statistics above in regard to life expectancy of 3 days – you should assume this is indeed so, thus there is no need for you to check on the little buggers; if you have mistakenly done the unthinkable and now you are under the impure impression that the buggers are still alive, please adjust your reality as numbers do not lie. Repeat after us: numbers do not lie. Numbers do not lie. Qingdao bear is better than Harbin Beer. Numbers do not lie.
Thank you,
We Own You Adjust Your Reality Co. LTD.
Loosa, have you been eating those funny cakes?