ISpyShanghai

You can tell a lot about a country by the grafiti on its lampposts. Here’s some I saw in Chorlton, Ma”d”chester, England, Her Majesty’s British Empire:

It’s cheeky, it’s playful, it’s sort of smutty (isn’t it? Is that just me?).

Here’s one I saw last night in Jing-An, Shang-”Shangers”-Hai, The-Middle-Kingdom-Which-Will-One-Day-Rule-Us-All-With-An-Iron Fist:

It’s quirky, it’s situationist, it’s spelt incorrectly.

Bravo to both of them I say.

…sucks. It’s a strange idea too: Uncle China will let us have our ice-cream, but only if we eat our vegetables first. Next week is Golden Week though, 7 continuous days of golden glittering free time.

Meanwhile, two more days at work mean two more lunchtimes at my desk, tinkering with this website. I’ve added some monkey business in the sidebar (eyes right) which will hopefully encourage people to comment and save me from the horror of the past two days: hitting “Refresh” on my comments window, whilst tears streak down my unshaven jowls, long into the night.

I can hardly wait until ‘WoAiZhongGuo’ and ‘Dingle’ are back from their holidays. Those two workshy fops spend more time leaving comments on here than they do on their actual jobs.

A restaurant roof in Chanshua, yesterday

My office building has been taken over by the registration center for the Special Olympics. To get to the car park we have to drive around some bizarre backstreets where, this morning, I’m pretty sure I saw a Wolf and six Bears.

I should have seen it coming of course, there have been posters around since I first arrived in Shanghai (January), even though the actual events don’t start until October 10.

Far be it from me to rain on anyone’s parade; I have no doubt that the people who compete in it have a great time and make lots of friends, awareness is raised, and everyone goes home happy. But when you’re talking about a competition that’s open to 8 year olds, and one of the events is 10 pin bowling using a ramp, I think comparing it with the ancient Summer Olympiad is a bit of a stretch.
(the Winter Olympics, maybe).

No words from me today, let’s just sit back and enjoy the poetry of R “I like my bananas green” Kelly:

Joanne’s got it
Leonice has got it
Theresa’s got it
Tonia’s got it
I tell ya Cheryl’s got it
Boy I tell ya Betty’s got it
Chip has got it
And Ann’s got it
Gail’s got it
Stephanie’s got it
Sabrina’s got it
Rachelle has got it yeah
Gladys got it
Fontina’s got it
Little cute Aaliyah’s got it
Ooh Stacy’s got it
I tell ya Tita’s got it
I tell ya Rita’s got it
Oh Laurel’s got it
And Kim’s got it, yeah

Onanism in the 21st Century

Next week: Montell Jordan’s “This Is How We Do It” next to photo of someone using their extra-long pinky fingernail as a screwdriver.

Today on the Chinese calendar it’s the mid-Autumn festival- halfway to winter presumably even though the hot and sticky weather yesterday made me sweat like a Welsh dyslexic. From what I can gather, the festival involves getting the whole family together to eat and spend time together (like Christmas) and giving gifts of rich, sweet things to eat (like Easter).

Here though, the rich, sweet things are moon cakes- heavy pastry cakes that are filled with a marzipanish paste, egg yolks, nuts and general gloopiness. Of all of the Chinese people I’ve asked, not a single man jack of them has said that they enjoy eating the things, but I’ve still seen people queue outside bakeries to buy a box (for at least 60RMB, and usually more like 100-200RMB depending on the fanciness of the fancies).

Hello Kitty mooncakes

Apparently it’s hardly even about the cakes themselves these days either, it’s the fancy gold box studded with diamonds that it comes in. In Guangzhou there’s a box of mooncakes for 300,000RMB (over 20,000 quid)- although to be fair, you get a small apartment thrown in as a deal-sweetener.

Mooncakes; from bloody everywhere.

Another gem from the Police English translation department:

If you’re a regular reader (hi Mum!) you might have noticed that I take a lot of photos on the subway. I hate it.

Maybe because of the reputation of the Tokyo subway (where pepper spray is issued as standard to any female passenger under 35) I always feel like a pervert when I take my camera out in a packed carriage.

“Relax everyone” I want to shout
“I’m not taking photos of chesty ladies, high-heeled shoes or schoolkids. I’m a blogger, trying to be funny.”

Perhaps I need a special blogging hat.

Kids get the cutest shoes these days, Pokemon trainers with LEDs that flash when you walk, wheels in the heels for tubby teenagers to glide along without breaking a sweat, or squeakers in the toes so you don’t lose your toddler (very clever).

For me though, there will never, ever be a time when it is appropriate for a full grown man to wear lime Green rubber Crocs, studded with little lovehearts and Starfish badges. Typhoon false alarm or not.

I believe there’s a Chinese phrase- “There’s nothing the Cantonese won’t eat, or the Shanghainese won’t wear” so maybe he’s OK here- but try sporting those shoes with your pink shirt and Ladies handbag (no it wasn’t a ‘manbag’, I checked) in Beijing sunshine, and you’ll have Chairman Mao spinning in his mausoleum.