ISpyShanghai

There comes a time in a man’s life where he must give up the thing he loves, in order that it may come back to him with a passion stronger than ever. It is for this, amongst other reasons that I have decided to give up the booze for a period encompassing 04:00 July 1st 2007AD, to 19:30 July 20th 2007AD. I know, I know- that’s one hell of a long time (sorry for the swear, it’s to drive home the point)- but I feel like it’s somewhat overdue, and this is as good a time as any.I hatched this idea a few weeks ago when I worked out that I’ve been drunk somewhere between 1,000 and 1,500 times in my life so far and the thought of going without drink makes my teeth sweat. Scientists have a name for someone who can’t stop drinking (I won’t say it, it’s an ugly word), and latest research has shown that these people don’t always lead fulfilling and horrific-motorcycle-death-plunge free lives.To wit, I see the following Benefits To Giving Up Drinking:

• I might lose a pound or two. A blind masseur told me I was fat last week- which is a new low. If I want to get into those Ice White Speedos at the beach I’ll need to trim an inch or two off my generous belly. (By the by, it’s OK to hit a blind guy if they’re not wearing the dark glasses right?)

• I’ll have more time to spend on my figurines and puzzles. I bought a wooden Kingfisher construction kit at the “Everything for 2 RMB” shop last month and haven’t even started on it [reading that again, I can hardly believe that it's actually true]

• I’m actually, finally curious to find out what happens between the hours of 6am-2pm on Saturday and Sundays. Do all of the old people and parents with young kids run around shouting “Ours! It’s all ours!”?
•  The next time someone tells me I have an alcohol problem, I can throw this brief period of abstinence in their stupid face. This goes for Judges, Priests, lollipop ladies, the security guards at Toys’R'Us, those holier-than-thou homeless guys down at the docks- anyone who gives me grief

As well as the numerousish benefits above, there are a few things that don’t involve drinking which I enjoy doing these days:

• Emma

• Riding around on my bike, giving the thumbs up to market vendors

• Eating pizza in my underwear

• (oh come on Emma, that was funny!)

• Flying kites

• Taking photos

• (alright fine, I’ll take it down later)

• Going to fancy restaurants and/or KFC

So yeah- Saturday’s my last day on the pop. Scary.

I’ve been taking lessons in the old Chinee for a while now. Probably started in about March, or possibly April- twice a week, 1.5 hours a pop, it adds up and I can say a fair amount now. Other than the time I got ruined at Bonbon and spent the whole taxi journey using every single phrase I knew:

“I’m from England, and you?”
“<pause> I’m from China.”
“I’m a software engineer, and you?”
“I’m a taxi driver.”
“I like eating Pineapple, and you?”
etc.

I’ve recently had to switch teachers though, since my original one suddenly decided to go back to her home town (what, you’re not allowed to stare down a teacher’s top any more?) and have started with a company that actually works from a book. And in this book , guess what chapter 3 is all about?:

Hmmm.

I’m knackered me I am. The weather is warm and sticky which just saps your energy, plus I’m not a big fan of going to bed, since pretty soon after that you seem to have to get up and go to work- which is pretty tough at the moment.

Anyway I don’t have any energy to be funny or entertaining- so there’s no change there.

Instead, here’s a terrible joke that I sent to my boss today after he said he was ambushed in a meeting.

This is vegetarian ambush, they use tofu instead.

Bedtime!

This Saturday was a funny one. After spending about 30 minutes buying tea from a very camp man, Liam and I strolled outside to find dark, ominous clouds gathering. You’ve never seen weather so dramatic, it looked like a vision of Skeletor was about to form in the billowing ether and demand that Castle Grayskull be handed over.

We just about managed to get into a cab before the first spots of rain turned into the kind of deluge that boy bands love to dance in. The streets were flooded instantly and there was lightning hitting each of the tall hotels in turn along the expressway- BANG- JC Mandarin, BANG, The Marriott. It looked amazing, but a bit like we might need a canoe to go out on the razzle.

I wish this was mine, but in fact Liam took this photo

Thankfully after a couple of hours, it pretty much dried up- Liam and I both put on suits (I forget why now, but it seemed a good idea at the time) and headed out to a fancy wine bar called Enoteca which is now officially in my top 5 fancy wine bars of all time. [And yes, we were aware that onlookers would assume we were celebrating our Civil Partnership].

Onwards to LaBella Cafe for more booze and a chance meeting with someone who told us about a party being put on in a couple of warehouses somewhere in the rough part of town. That sounded an ideal way to spend Liam’s last weekend in Shanghai so off we went, clutching umberellas and a shady sounding address.

@The Warehouse

And then what can you say? It was a proper filthy warehouse with laundry hanging up here and there, free to get in, when the bar inside ran out of 10RMB beers, we went outside and bought 2RMB bottles from the Chinese guys who worked in the warehouse next door. The music was spot on (house /techno in one building, mashup / electro in the other), everyone was really friendly and happy (hey wait a minute, I wonder if they were..), the views of lightning streaking the sky over cranes and containers were amazing, and suits or no suits we danced until the sun came up.

No, I’m not sure either

Anyone know when the next one is?

UPDATE! It turns out that this Saturday’s shindig was a “Tourist” party- they’ve done this sort of thing before, google and ye shall find. I will have to keep my beady eye out for another one.

Oh and for anyone in China that can’t get on flickr- I’ve backed up these photies to my own webspace.

zong zi double

It’s a dragon boat festival tradition to eat these Zong Zi apparently. They’re tasty enough, but the stickiest thing I’ve had in my hand for quite some time and no mistake.

After bruising our spines with a Chinese Traditional Medicinal Treatment (not bizarre medieval torture practice as some of you seem to think) Liam and I finally dragged ourselves out of the apartment at about midnight on Saturday.

We went straight to Pirates, a discotheque for young people, it was great in there, cheap drinks, amazing music, cheap drinks, cheap drinks. The DJs were the same guys who put on a series of club nights called ‘Bananas’. I think they’re amazing, they play with a kind of 2ManyDJs / Nextmen / anything goes sort of attitude. Here’s a recent mix that they did and I’ll shut up about them now.

pirates#

Anyhoo, it wasn’t exactly crammed with people- and the people that were on the dancefloor were all
“Hmm, yes. This music is really, quite good. I think I shall nod my head slightly in appreciation.”
which is the nightclub equivalent of people who say
“That’s really funny!”
instead of laughing.
[Now did I have a girlfriend who used to do that, or was it on an episode of 'Friends'?].

Liam wanted somewhere more lively and he’s the guest so it was onwards to Logo where we met a German guy called Fabien. He recommended Club DKD on Huaihai Lu which was decent enough, but the music wasn’t really our thing, there weren’t many people there either, and on a sofa 10 feet away from the toilets, there was a girl with three fingers crammed right down her throat, trying to make herself sick onto her boyfriend’s lap.
No photo of that, as it was so grim I could barely focus on her breasts watch.

Drunk guys@Bonbon? Whatever next

So despite it being about 3:30- 4am by now we headed to Bonbon where there were plenty of people, good music (except in the Hip-hop room which seemed to be playing a Ja Rule’s greatest hits tape), and vodka and Coke’s so strong they could try the barstaff in there for attempted murder.

“Oh you like Vodka eh? WELL HOW’S THIS FOR VODKA?!?!?!“

Once when I was in a sauna in Korea, I saw a guy with a series of red polka-dot marks on his back, each one about the same diameter as a cup. I assumed that either he slept on the world’s cheapest bed, or his wife beat him up very precisely with a wooden mallet (he, presumably assumed I was giving him the glad eye).

On Saturday, I had the traditional Chinese medicine treatment that is the actual cause of those bruises- it’s called ba huo gan and goes like this:

You swab the inside of a glass bowl with alcohol, light it, then put it on the patient’s back. They whimper like a little girl as the alcohol burns off, this creates a vacuum and sucks the (ample) spare skin up into the bowl.
Repeat this until the whole back is covered in globes, and the guy can ripple the skin on his back to make a sound like a wind chime.

Put a cotton sheet over him, go for a cup of tea.

Pull them off, one by one, enjoying the slurping sound as the air rushes back in- try to ignore the tears and pleas for mercy coming from the cowardly laowai.

Her face is a picture isn’t it?

Step back, admire handywork.

It looks a bit rough, but I actually enjoyed the whole thing, Liam described it as feeling like a stretched canvas- and I’d say it’s like that, plus a pleasant sunburn. The health benefits are numerous / dubious, but one thing is for sure- the marks have barely faded after 3 days and if they’re not gone before my July beach holiday, you can expect to hear scare stories about a giant Octupus on the beaches of Majorca.

Whew that took a while, eh? Here are a couple of photos from The Hut, where they seem to have a mic and plugged in guitar permanantly set up for drunken fools to play.

I think in the time I was there I done 3 tunes, “Just”, Sade‘s “By Your Side” (for the laydeez) and “Daughters” by John Meyer. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house (but then again, it was a Hayfever sufferer’s convention).

This is the really good blues guy, we sang “Another Brick In The Wall” together- good times. Ah crap, I just remembered he invited us to a jam session last night and I forgot all about it.