ISpyShanghai

I’m sat in the airport wearing my heaviest possible clothes with the baggage receipts for 9 (nine) suitcases weighing down the boarding pass. Leaving on a jet plane to old London town (and then Manchester).

That’s right- this is the final blog entry for ISpyShanghai, your favourite Shanghai based Ukulele blog about shoes (well, top 10 anyway).

Because I’ve got a girlfriend now, this move was actually pretty organised; we left the house yesterday and slept in the airport hotel.

As you might expect though from a man who thinks 3D pictures of cats are a great purchase the house was completely filled with tat that we couldn’t take with us.

In the end we gave away so much stuff to the neighbourhood recycling chaps (i.e. the ones who pedal around streets ringing a bell, looking for scrap cardboard) that a queue formed outside the back door. At one point- and this is true- there were so many people fighting over our left-over salt and half broken badminton rackets, that a guy set up shop selling roast potatoes to the crowd.

Anyway we got it done, paid the excess baggage (one million dollars) and take off in about half an hour.

Thank you, goodbye and Merry Christmas Shanghai- it’s been a blast.

Jamma out

Shanghai brought in a law a while back that shops have to charge a few pennies for plastic bags.

Some of them are worth it.

 

Starting as a silly throwaway blog title one Tuesday back in 2007, Shoe Tuesday has grown to become a global phenomenon to rival the Bungee Disco, Skittle-Knack Karaoke or even Strawberry Buddhism.

I’d like to say thanks to everyone who enjoyed the wild ride we’ve had, and in particular to those readers from far and wide have joined in the fun by faxing, hand-delivering or psychically transmitting images of quirky shoes. If I didn’t use the images you sent then I’m very sorry about that- it doesn’t mean they weren’t interesting or funny, just that I couldn’t think of anything interesting or funny to say about them.

Whilst I will not be doing Shoe Tuesday any more, this does not mean the end.

No no my friend. For if we all keep Shoe Tuesday in our hearts, it will never truly die.

(Although just to be clear again, I am killing it)

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For this last episode then, let’s all put our ST tie clips on one last time, do the ST hand-jive, wind up the music box and listen one more time to that Shoe Tuesday music.

Emma and I threw a bit of a leaving party at the weekend, and as you can imagine- everyone who is anyone was there (except WoAi, the enormous woofter). Turning out in full effect to support the cause was Jake Newby, resplendent in a tuxedo with genuine satin bowtie…and Feiyue trainers.

Nice work Jake, you terrible, terrible pikey.

It is however, hard to beat H’s (Dingle’s much much better half) contribution.

Check out these ever-so-respectful Michael Jackson tribute bootees.

What more fitting homage could there be to the King of Pop than a pair of Ugg boots plastered with a collage of his photos? Dressed up in a farmboy outfit, photoshopped into an image of Uncle Sam, headlines from the various sexual abuse court cases- it’s all here in glorious colour.

Rumours of similar footwear limited editions featuring Lady Diana, Mother Teresa and victims of the Holocaust could not be confirmed at the time of going to press.

And THAT’s the END OF THAT!

Just went for a massage with Emma, I won’t name the place*.

Anyway there we are, me and Emma side by side on tables when the two massage girls start talking to each other in Chinese.

These two are sweaty

Yes, foreigners are sweaty. This one is really ticklish too, watch

She gave a bit of a poke in my fleshy rump. I giggled.

Do you like foreign men?

Noo, I don’t like them. What about that foreigner you have who comes in regularly with the curly hair? I bet you like him.

Oh him, he’s almost like a black man!

I’m not sure why they assumed neither Emma or I could understand any of this- especially when I started laughing. In the end Emma cracked out of turn by asking for something or other in Chinese; they stopped talking and started blushing.

But she doesn’t like foreigners though you know.

Too much hair. Everywhere.

George Michael, at the precise moment he turned

*ah screw it- ‘Everlasting’ on Shaanxi Lu.

Can I just make it clear that this last week or two isn’t going to be some golden age where I pull out all of the stops?

Now that there’s cleared up, here’s some Chinglish from the fortress of Carrefour- most hateful of all the supermarkets.

Back in the summer I wrote about some very expensive apples in the Freshmart supermarket, Jing-An.

Well since then we had that whole financial apocalypse and everyone tightened their belts a little.

Oh wait no, the price actually went up.

On my birthday I received, from notorious internet japemongerer Dingle, one of these space-gold-apples.

We had the bar staff cut it up and passed it around the table.

It tasted pretty much like a normal apple, except a bit more floury and dry. I don’t remember suddenly developing the ability to fly or shoot lasers out of my fingertips, so you’d have to conclude they’re not really worth the money. In fact there were a few slices left when we moved on to the next bar.

Five apples in a cardboard box: 998RMB (about 150USD, 90GBP)

One of the main things I’m looking forward to when I go back to the UK is reasonably priced Guinness, proper cheese, nightclubs with no french people my newest niece Eve.

My brother Andrew is just a few years older than me and we’re very close- hang out together whenever we get the chance, talk on the phone when I get drunk, I was best man at his wedding etc.

Andrew had a baby girl in September last year and I’ve only seen her a handful of times since then, so I’ve missed a lot of stuff.

Apparently she’s walking now, dancing too, so I’m hoping that I’ll get to see her take these bad boys for a test drive.

They’re a kind of shoes I’ve only ever seen in asia- with a squeaker in the bottom that’s triggered when you walk. It’s kind of a safety feature I guess, since the toddler can toddle off on their own and you’ll hear when they’ve gone to far or fallen over. But it’s also just the cutest thing when you hear them walking off:

squeak……squeak……squeak
<Hey look! A bird!>
SQUEAK!SQUEAK!SQUEAK!SQUEAK!
<oh it’s gone>
squeak………squeak……

 

I think they’re cool anyway.

 

Hey wait a minute, I hope Eve isn’t reading this though, it’ll ruin the surprise.

OK now this is going to be old news for most people, but I was at a hotpot restaurant last night and we cooked the broth on little individual hotplates.

EXCEPT THEY WERE NOT HOT.

You could put your hand on the thing and it wouldn’t burn, but place a metal pot on there and the soup would bubble up real nice.

“Oh sure” you’re thinking, “He’s talking about a confloosion unit pad”.

Well yes, if that’s what they’re called then I’ll believe you.

But how did such a technological wonder go from being a show-stopping marvel that people would crowd around and stare at, to so commonplace that I just realised somebody in the next office is making Cappuccino with one?

“Hmm, no sugar- I’ll just pop out on my hoverboard and get some”

I know I didn’t get an iPod until August this year, but am I so far behind the times?
What else have I missed?